devotedwritter93

Life is hard. People have told me this my entire life....but, I can't help but wonder if they truly understand what that means. If they truly understand the hardships that life can bring to them. Do they understand how it feels to sit in the darkness and not want to leave because the uncertainty the outside worlds holds is to much to bare. Do they know what it's like to be surrounded by memories that shoot an arrow straight to your heart? The past life I lived left me terrified of so much, and i still suffer even though the worst of it was years ago, and I'm sure that some of it I will continue to struggle with my entire life. It's a given. The acceptance of this leaves me at a cross road. I could choose to let these things take over my life, I can choose to stay in bed everyday and cry, not allowing the wounds and scars that remain time to heal. I could allow them to still bleed with the past memories and pain that remains always taunting me, and telling me that I'm not good enough....
OR...I can take a stand. I can hold my head high and break these chains that have held me down for far to long. I can leave behind the ones who held me down with them. I can take the path not taken, as they say. This path is not untrod upon...but still filled with the presence of those like me who decided to make the journey to success. I choose to allow the courage inside me burn from the embers and flare high, grabbing hold of those in need.
Ever since I can remember I've had a dream in my heart to reach out to those who are less fortunate then me. I live off of helping other people with the problems and burdens that they carry. It brings so much joy to my heart to see problems resolved with my help. It's proof that even in this crazy world, love, happiness and joy are always possible. Even when it seems impossible...

It's absolutely amazing to see just how much life can change in the space of a month. Just one month, and everything has changed,and for the first time it's not  a bad thing. It's beautiful, amazing, full of hope...perfect. Never in my life have I been able to use that word to describe my life, and I suppose it truly doesn't fit into certain parts of my life. I feel like the whole world is falling apart around me, but I'm walking through it with a smile on my face, and my hand intertwined with his.

That's not even where it started! I removed myself from a life that was only tearing me down and bringing me further into a darkness I wasn't ready to endure. I'm living with one of my best friends now, and each day I'm encased in love, and hugs. I'm swimming in a world of optimism, and ready to take anything people throw at me. It's truly amazing to be where I am. To have people come up to me that I didn't even know acknowledged my existence, just to tell me they love to see how happy I am now. Happy to see a smile on my face. My friends who live 1,200 miles away from me to look at pictures on Facebook and tell me they have never seen me smile the way I do now.

I owe it to the family I'm now apart of, and I especially owe it to him. My dear boyfriend who has enveloped me with a light I didn't even know was possible to live in. A joy that overcomes my heart. I'm so lucky to have him, to wake up each morning with a reason to smile. A reason to believe in myself, and look in the mirror and see just a little of the beauty and uniqueness he see's in me everyday. I'm lucky I have someone who I can honestly and truly be myself around, and not fear the judgement that would surly come from others.

In the space of a month I've inherited everything I never though I would ever deserve or acquire, and for the very first time my heart in enveloped with a love and joy that has my heart starting to believe in the impossible possibility of Happily Ever After.

The other day I went to go see Beauty and the Beast 3D. This has always been my all time favorite Disney movie. You see, I've always felt somewhat of a connection to Belle. She's a young woman who knows that she is different from everyone else, and has such a taste for adventure. The rest of the world doesn't understand her, some judge her and mark her out as weird and peculiar . Others think that her individuality just adds to her beauty and personality. Still, no one quite understands her...

This is exactly how I've felt my entire life. I know that I'm different from everyone else because of what I've had to overcome and deal with my entire life, and it hurts sometimes. But, no matter what I keep my head up and keep fighting and pushing forward determined to reach my happily ever after. This isn't where the comparison ends though,  you see Belle sacrifices everything that she has for her family whom she loves with all her heart. She then meets someone that the rest of the world runs from because they don't understand him, they don't see him the way that she learns to. When Belle looks at the Beast she see's gentleness and a desire in his eyes to change. The more time she spends with him the more she wants to help him. I find it somewhat ironic that when I go to see this movie, I'm right in the middle of a situation that is quite similar to this one.

There is a boy, who stole my heart 2 1/2 years ago, he shall remain nameless but anyone who truly knows me will know who he is. This young man doesn't see himself for who he truly is, but rather through the eyes of the rest of the world who judges him for his past mistakes.  He believes that his mistakes make him ugly and unwanted, he believes that there is no hope for him and that the rest of the world is better off without him. Especially this young girl who has fallen in love with him. What he doesn't realize is that when she looks at him she see's the same gentleness and desire to change in his eyes that Belle saw in the Beasts'.

Just like the Beast lets Belle get away, This boy tries to let her go believing that she deserves so much better then what he has to offer. Only I won't leave. I'm sitting here in the middle of the conflict of my fairy-tale, anxiously waiting my happily ever after to arrive. Waiting for him to open his eyes and realize just how important he is to her. To realize how much having his love in her life makes everything better for her, helps her to see beyond this pain that usually overpowers her heart.

For the first time in her life this young woman has completely opened up her heart, and dares to believe in love for the first time. "It's amazing," she sits here thinking as she types out this journal, " How you can say I love you to so many people and knowing you don't mean it, but truly believing you can't ever fall in love. And then when it happens the words I love you don't seem nearly enough to explain the feeling you hold in your heart." So she sits here, waiting and hoping... for an ending that very well may never come, but intent to continue believing in the spark of hope and possibility in her heart.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=pgYEJH…

So a few weeks ago I sent in a bunch of my poems and prose to a publishing company, and got the letter yesterday informing me that they want to publish it all in my own book!! I just had to share with you guys! This has been my biggest dream ever since I was a little girl!! Thank you so much to everyone who encouraged me and to all those who believed in me when I didn't have the strength to believe in myself!!! My dream is finally coming true!

It hurts so bad, that no matter how hard I try to be happy, and no matter how many things I do to try to bring joy to my life...it's always short lived. I can't seem to fill these holes that won't heal.